H-Day?

If you were a zombie, would you attack on Halloween? Would it be tacky? Too Obvious?

A zombie doesn't have much else going in its favor other than numbers and the element of surprise. Should the undead uprising begin on All Hallow's Eve, most victims would hardly unsuspecting. Ghosty and gholishly things are supposed to happen today. We prep for that scenario all year long. If something is going to go down, October 31st seems like a reasonable day for the event to occur. Odd then a lot of disaster movies actually take place on Christmas. Would it make more sense to deck the halls with zombies? I suppose their wriggling, rotting bodies might even look endearing in the soft glow of twinkle lights. 

Well, zombie Christmas would certainly be entertaining and very much Tim Burton-esque. However, it still seems like the world could naturally align to let the dead dance among the living on our most spooky holiday. 

I imagine patiently awaiting the arrival of mini storm troopers and my little ponies gasping for candy whilst the rotting dead begin to rise inevitable from their cold, moist graves. I hear the jingle of the door bell, an indication that some dedicated trick-or-treater will be standing, arms stretched out in desperate need of glucose and melted chocolate and plastic capes flapping in the chilly October wind. As I settle a spooky grin on my lips and firmly tug on my witch's hat, I clutch a basket of snickers and skittles in one hand and reach for the brass door knob with the other. Both parties excited and expectant. However, what greets my sugar-coated philanthropy is not sweet demands of greedy children but rather the bloody groans of a malnourished corpse. For a moment, both of us remain frozen in a indistinguishable mixture of wonder and horror. My heart and all sense of sanity pause in the same instance, my body in a rigor more appropriately associated with the creature standing before me. Its eyes cloudy yet with a hint of relief as it stands before a treat most tempted, most required. This moment stretches for what seems like eternity until instinct floods both of our systems. I stumble back in terror and adrenaline; the creature descends upon my weak attempts to flee. 

Soon we are locked in an embrace deeper and more intimate than any other we had experience prior to this fateful night. My bowl of candy quickly forgotten springs from my grasp as all of my good intentions are flung out into the dark, dark night. Falling inevitably to the ground below, I can only softly mew as its shattered teeth tear into the soft flesh my forearm, bloody quietly soaking both of our souls. Down, down, down we go into the rabbit hole. It stays for as long as it is necessary, for a long as my blood remains warm. And then it leaves me behind in search of another foolish lover of Halloween, another set of thrumming arteries and tender skin and muscle. 

From terrible pain, fear, comes first the soft whisper of oblivion, until the sharp pangs of hunger reanimate my flesh. Twitching, aching, needing, I rise and seek out a satisfaction I will never be aware can never end. Trick or Treat.

(Images from http://www.zombiepumpkins.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1113 and http://zombifiedzone.blogspot.com/2010/12/well-its-that-time-of-year-again.html)

Please, do it.

Zombies, eat my brains.... PLEASE. If you came a knockin' today, I would so buy your avon.

Walking with the Dead?

(Image is a still from the Walking Dead, Season 2, "Bloodletting" episode)


I have to admit (and maybe you will hate me for it or in the very least wish a snarling zombie would feast on my rotting flesh) I did not like the first season of the Walking Dead as much as I hoped. Perhaps because I had not heard of the graphic novel, I did not have as much invested in the series as other, better fans did. I mean, I was super grateful/excited that any series involving the undead would be airing; however, I found I could not validate staying up that late to watch a show that kind of failed to interest me in the beginning (I usually get up at 4:30am, so a show that went until 10pm was a little difficult). 

I think if I had given it more time and more effort, I would have come to enjoy it. It seems like the episodes following the first two really intensified the story and developed the characters I originally felt lukewarm about. At least I am honest about my feelings.

This pseudo-disclaimer being said, I have now watched the first two episodes of the new season and am finding it much more engaging. I loved the zombie hoard trudging through the abandoned vehicles and our protagonists sweatily and fearfully hiding under said cars, trucks, and campers. What an exhilarating way to begin a show!!!! The characters have shredded their masks of altruism--we are seeing who these people really are which is something I heart about zombie stories. The good deputy never fails to think of others before himself--ever willing to sacrifice his own safety to help others. His wife, so beautifully strong and in some ways too cold, finds her center again even though an errant bullet is threatening to destroy their revived loved/foundation. The Lancelot, the deputy's partner and adulterer, attempts (weakly) at disengaging himself from this band of  un-undead because he cannot stand to be around his former lover and her husband. And this is just a pittance of the fascinating internal conflicts infesting the characters. Alliances are crumbling, shifting, and forging. Tension is crackling--the world is shattering for these (unfortunate) survivors in more ways than one. Okay, Walking Dead, maybe I see your point.

For me personally, it took until the beginning of this new season to see this kind of transformation. Again, I'm pretty sure this started to happen in season 1, I just fell asleep before I was lucky enough to witness it. Without the build up of even the pretense of the mundane, you cannot have these spectacular crashes into despair, loss, and ultimately redemption and recovery. Without experiencing the inchoate gathering of the survivors, one cannot fully appreciate the demise of their bindings.

Maybe give me another chance, like I did for this show, before you foist my remains into a pile of clawing, gnawing zombies. Maybe?

Zombies Baked in a Pie

Watching Waitress and wondering what kind of pie zombies would like. Kidney pie? Blood pudding? Brains and Marrow Tart? Flesh and Muscle pie drizzled with Sinew Sauce?

Would zombies even wait long enough for their favorite dessert to bake before hollowing the pan out in desperate hunger as the heated metal scorches their already rotting flesh? Could I use these bloody, zombie-frenzy inducing sweets to lure the creepies away from my hideout? Or, in some alternative universe where zombies have their own comedy routines, would the rotting undead chuck these monstrous mouses at one another? I imagine them quickly falling atop each other with grasping, bony fingers and masticating jaws fighting for one morsel of that sickly and juicy pie.

Well, I suppose then there never will be a Top Chef Zombie Edition (Extraordinaire). A girl can only hope.

Surviving Chicago

I have safely returned from my brief Chicago excursion. They had lovely public transportation and a lot of excellent food. Would the zombies use the L or the omni-present buses and cabs? I suppose if they purchased their pass. 

In the very least, the zombie could enjoy the free Lincoln zoo. Lots to munch on there.

Zombies on a (air)plane

Delayed by some silly passenger makes me wonder what it would be like to deal with zombies in an airport or on a plane. It already super sucks. Imagine dealing with grimy, rotting boogers trying to shred through your Joe jeans or columbia coats in order reach that tender flesh of your calf or bicep.

You can run from terminal to terminal while those grounded flying machines taunt you with their failed escape opportunities. Heck, if the pilots decide to dance with the dead, I certainly can't fly one of those winged tin cans.

And to choose between surviving on those horrid plane rations on unsurviving on little Johnny, well, I may have to reconsider my traditional trepidations associated with cannibalism.

I haven't even gotten on the airplane yet. Tbc....