Well, to be fair, I haven't experienced an actual zombie attack in my life. Nevertheless, I am thoroughly disappointed with my ability to distract, decap (itate), or defend against the zombies. Upon beginning my evaluation in the kitchen, I think my most formidable weapon may be my Country Cotton Yankee candle regardless of the lone butcher knife. During a full-on invasion, I could be distracted by the overwhelming stench of the undead. Perhaps, just perhaps, my fresh smelling and long lasting candle might provide a much needed scent based diversion. Then, I can blast the snarling, moaning cannibals with my non-existent firepower.
A true zombie survivalist, however, must have several backup plans. As a result, I continued to explore the rest of the apartment for potential weapons. I have a Lexmark printer...hmmm. Numerous paperback books...no, wouldn't want to damage our greatest equity. My cats do have claws though I hardly think a creature numb to pain would be daunted by the sharp shredding of its skin. If only the cardboard rendition of the Matrix of Leadership gracing our DVD shelf was real.
The bathroom does hold a bottle of Suave Maximum Hold hairspray, however, in my attempt to save the environment, it's not an aerosol can. I could pump and spritz the offending liquid while holding a lighter, yet somehow I do not believe it to be an effective flamethrower substitute.
Since I mainly own books and cat toys, I return sadly to the candle. Upon reflection, the candle may even be a detriment rather than an advantage. The smell could just as easily draw greater crowds of the undead instead of simply providing a disarmed survivalist a means of coping with the stench of rotting flesh.
Good luck to me. I have a feeling that I may need to fortify.
What do you have, potential readers, to ward of hoards of the undead?
