Undead Students

Slack jaws, dazed expressions, inability to raise head from the desk it's seemingly cemented, too, failure to demonstrate cognition, etc. I see the zombification of students on a daily basis and they still have warm blood in their veins. What would it be like if they were real zombies?

I wonder if they even see/define themselves the same way....

California Creeping?

What might zombies think of Cally? Easy dining? Would west coast undead be more laid back, slower creatures?

Heartsick

How do you battle the undead when your heart has been ripped from your chest and shredded in a meat grinder? I wonder if it is not how much you physically prepare or store up for the long winter ahead that truly enables you to survive. It is rather your desire to live--to not give into to those stubborn moans caressing the otherwise silent world.

I'm heartsick and need some zombies to kill. Perhaps that might be the cure for my affliction.

H-Day?

If you were a zombie, would you attack on Halloween? Would it be tacky? Too Obvious?

A zombie doesn't have much else going in its favor other than numbers and the element of surprise. Should the undead uprising begin on All Hallow's Eve, most victims would hardly unsuspecting. Ghosty and gholishly things are supposed to happen today. We prep for that scenario all year long. If something is going to go down, October 31st seems like a reasonable day for the event to occur. Odd then a lot of disaster movies actually take place on Christmas. Would it make more sense to deck the halls with zombies? I suppose their wriggling, rotting bodies might even look endearing in the soft glow of twinkle lights. 

Well, zombie Christmas would certainly be entertaining and very much Tim Burton-esque. However, it still seems like the world could naturally align to let the dead dance among the living on our most spooky holiday. 

I imagine patiently awaiting the arrival of mini storm troopers and my little ponies gasping for candy whilst the rotting dead begin to rise inevitable from their cold, moist graves. I hear the jingle of the door bell, an indication that some dedicated trick-or-treater will be standing, arms stretched out in desperate need of glucose and melted chocolate and plastic capes flapping in the chilly October wind. As I settle a spooky grin on my lips and firmly tug on my witch's hat, I clutch a basket of snickers and skittles in one hand and reach for the brass door knob with the other. Both parties excited and expectant. However, what greets my sugar-coated philanthropy is not sweet demands of greedy children but rather the bloody groans of a malnourished corpse. For a moment, both of us remain frozen in a indistinguishable mixture of wonder and horror. My heart and all sense of sanity pause in the same instance, my body in a rigor more appropriately associated with the creature standing before me. Its eyes cloudy yet with a hint of relief as it stands before a treat most tempted, most required. This moment stretches for what seems like eternity until instinct floods both of our systems. I stumble back in terror and adrenaline; the creature descends upon my weak attempts to flee. 

Soon we are locked in an embrace deeper and more intimate than any other we had experience prior to this fateful night. My bowl of candy quickly forgotten springs from my grasp as all of my good intentions are flung out into the dark, dark night. Falling inevitably to the ground below, I can only softly mew as its shattered teeth tear into the soft flesh my forearm, bloody quietly soaking both of our souls. Down, down, down we go into the rabbit hole. It stays for as long as it is necessary, for a long as my blood remains warm. And then it leaves me behind in search of another foolish lover of Halloween, another set of thrumming arteries and tender skin and muscle. 

From terrible pain, fear, comes first the soft whisper of oblivion, until the sharp pangs of hunger reanimate my flesh. Twitching, aching, needing, I rise and seek out a satisfaction I will never be aware can never end. Trick or Treat.

(Images from http://www.zombiepumpkins.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1113 and http://zombifiedzone.blogspot.com/2010/12/well-its-that-time-of-year-again.html)

Please, do it.

Zombies, eat my brains.... PLEASE. If you came a knockin' today, I would so buy your avon.

Walking with the Dead?

(Image is a still from the Walking Dead, Season 2, "Bloodletting" episode)


I have to admit (and maybe you will hate me for it or in the very least wish a snarling zombie would feast on my rotting flesh) I did not like the first season of the Walking Dead as much as I hoped. Perhaps because I had not heard of the graphic novel, I did not have as much invested in the series as other, better fans did. I mean, I was super grateful/excited that any series involving the undead would be airing; however, I found I could not validate staying up that late to watch a show that kind of failed to interest me in the beginning (I usually get up at 4:30am, so a show that went until 10pm was a little difficult). 

I think if I had given it more time and more effort, I would have come to enjoy it. It seems like the episodes following the first two really intensified the story and developed the characters I originally felt lukewarm about. At least I am honest about my feelings.

This pseudo-disclaimer being said, I have now watched the first two episodes of the new season and am finding it much more engaging. I loved the zombie hoard trudging through the abandoned vehicles and our protagonists sweatily and fearfully hiding under said cars, trucks, and campers. What an exhilarating way to begin a show!!!! The characters have shredded their masks of altruism--we are seeing who these people really are which is something I heart about zombie stories. The good deputy never fails to think of others before himself--ever willing to sacrifice his own safety to help others. His wife, so beautifully strong and in some ways too cold, finds her center again even though an errant bullet is threatening to destroy their revived loved/foundation. The Lancelot, the deputy's partner and adulterer, attempts (weakly) at disengaging himself from this band of  un-undead because he cannot stand to be around his former lover and her husband. And this is just a pittance of the fascinating internal conflicts infesting the characters. Alliances are crumbling, shifting, and forging. Tension is crackling--the world is shattering for these (unfortunate) survivors in more ways than one. Okay, Walking Dead, maybe I see your point.

For me personally, it took until the beginning of this new season to see this kind of transformation. Again, I'm pretty sure this started to happen in season 1, I just fell asleep before I was lucky enough to witness it. Without the build up of even the pretense of the mundane, you cannot have these spectacular crashes into despair, loss, and ultimately redemption and recovery. Without experiencing the inchoate gathering of the survivors, one cannot fully appreciate the demise of their bindings.

Maybe give me another chance, like I did for this show, before you foist my remains into a pile of clawing, gnawing zombies. Maybe?

Zombies Baked in a Pie

Watching Waitress and wondering what kind of pie zombies would like. Kidney pie? Blood pudding? Brains and Marrow Tart? Flesh and Muscle pie drizzled with Sinew Sauce?

Would zombies even wait long enough for their favorite dessert to bake before hollowing the pan out in desperate hunger as the heated metal scorches their already rotting flesh? Could I use these bloody, zombie-frenzy inducing sweets to lure the creepies away from my hideout? Or, in some alternative universe where zombies have their own comedy routines, would the rotting undead chuck these monstrous mouses at one another? I imagine them quickly falling atop each other with grasping, bony fingers and masticating jaws fighting for one morsel of that sickly and juicy pie.

Well, I suppose then there never will be a Top Chef Zombie Edition (Extraordinaire). A girl can only hope.

Surviving Chicago

I have safely returned from my brief Chicago excursion. They had lovely public transportation and a lot of excellent food. Would the zombies use the L or the omni-present buses and cabs? I suppose if they purchased their pass. 

In the very least, the zombie could enjoy the free Lincoln zoo. Lots to munch on there.

Zombies on a (air)plane

Delayed by some silly passenger makes me wonder what it would be like to deal with zombies in an airport or on a plane. It already super sucks. Imagine dealing with grimy, rotting boogers trying to shred through your Joe jeans or columbia coats in order reach that tender flesh of your calf or bicep.

You can run from terminal to terminal while those grounded flying machines taunt you with their failed escape opportunities. Heck, if the pilots decide to dance with the dead, I certainly can't fly one of those winged tin cans.

And to choose between surviving on those horrid plane rations on unsurviving on little Johnny, well, I may have to reconsider my traditional trepidations associated with cannibalism.

I haven't even gotten on the airplane yet. Tbc....

Grading as a Zombie

*Image entitled "Undead Teacher" by Randi @ epitome.wikidot.com

Would it help, I wonder, to respond to student papers like a zombie? It might save time, leaving just a bloody hand print in response to their "meticulous" crafting of a 4 page analysis of public smoking bans. I mean, I find myself often asking for more "Brains" anyway. Why not get to the point more pointedly?

Perhaps the best training for zombie survival would be providing positive criticism on annotated bibliographies and causal analyses (or casual analyses students call them). If I attempted such training, I might be preparing for undead triumph but also inevitably unemployment. Regardless, below are a list of comments a zombie instructor may impose upon your essays.

1. Blood splatter which interesting enough blots out the more convoluted parts of student's prose.

2. "Give more BRAAAIINNNSS" which is readily understood by most students.

3. Chunks are torn from the essay, but most curious is that they resemble bite marks.

4. Paper is returned with a severed finger (which the zombie instructor promptly asks to be returned since he or she has forgotten to pack lunch).

5. Instructions scrawled on the essay requesting student attend a conference with teacher alone, late at night, in a dark alley, not telling anyone where he or she is going, and unarmed.

6. Paper is given back to student via carrier (shell-shocked, bitten, torn clothes, and can only respond with soft mews of terror) which the teacher promptly asks to be returned since he or she has forgotten to make dinner plans. In fact, the teacher asks student to return the carrier... um, paper, during a student conference, alone, at night....

7. Comments on page request student to identify blood type as she tends towards favoritism (of those who are O positive).

8. Teacher praises student in front of class by gnawing on his or her now bloody stump of arm, and oh, yeah, gives him or her a bloodily scratched A on the student's wonderful review of "The Family Guy."

Hope these help all of those grading until the zombies come home! If you have more ideas, please comment!

Ego or Bust

In order to more accurately rate the relevancy of this blog, I discovered and put into action the "Don't track your own views" option. It is now up to you, phantom readers, to peruse my humble blog and grant me the satisfaction of increased views.

Perhaps this will be a true test of my strength, my ability to remain confident in the face of the gnawing jaws of low self-esteem. Brave face, Alicia. Don't let the flesh-rotting undead see you squirm.

Neutrinos and Zombies

So, my inner geekness exploded last night and continued to infect my Friday. CERN scientists may have discovered that neutrinos can travel faster than light. I mean, this needs to be investigated further and is by no means the suddenly, totally accepted way of "How we do things." Still. Holy physics, Batman!

If the foundation of the physical world is in question, why not the plausibility of zombi-ness? If Einstein could be wrong about the universe, perhaps those undead nay-sayers need to recant their absolute denial of zombies ever out-breaking.

Neutrinos, you ghosty, subatomic particles, you have found a friend.

Contagion: A Review

Ordering a glass of water from your favorite restaurant, pulling the handle to stop the bus at your stop, hugging a friend at the airport. Who knew such mundane acts could lead to widespread suffering and death? Um, zombie enthusiasts for one.

Tonight, my husband and I went to see Contagion. It was a lovely attempt to make me feel better (and it did for the hour and forty-five minutes of playing time) and in general, a decent film. The casting had more A-listers than Sunday night's Emmys and the plot, which required the unraveling of a lengthy amount of time, moved quite smoothly and terrifyingly as the world swiftly found itself infected by one of the most serious epidemics in the last 100 years. The film explored not only the physical illness but the internal one stemming from desperation, greed, and selfishness. Matt Damon was the most obvious commenter (is anyone surprised) on the lack of humanity present when real travesty stabs at the heart of civilization as he attempts to protect his daughter from disease and dates. Laurence Fishburne must make those difficult decisions only an individual in power and in the know how find themselves in-- save a loved one or save the populace--as he gracefully heads the hunt against this terrible virus and finds himself in opposition to a most annoying Jude Law (really, it was the tooth that did me in).

But, what does this have to do with zombies?

Well, everything! No, in reality, one could probably exchange the mysterious flu-ish illness of Contagion with a zombie outbreak and expect very similar results: the swift spread of the disease, humanity at its best and worst, and the quite overwhelming sense that we may just be in trouble should something like this really get out in the big, breathing world.

There was violence in the film (as I expected) from looters and scared, dying citizens; however, there was much less than I would have anticipated. I wonder if the director (and perhaps Matt Damon) believed people would act more humane than I suppose a zombie fan might. They could be right. I mean, most viruses tend to leave some alive unlike a majority of our fictional zombie "flus." I might be willing to help a neighbor out a little more if I knew the potential for a cure or survival even existed. This is not a plot spoiler--I just mean that any virus other than a zombie one seems likely to me to be curable/survivable. Perhaps, I'm a cynic or maybe I'll be restarting civilization after the walkers are all laid down to rest. You know, permanently.

Regardless, the film was smartly written and edited and was a joy to experience. The acting engaged me and the film refused to hold back any of its social criticism.

As a zombite (try to figure that one out in your head), I most certainly wriggled in anticipation to see this film and was not disappointed. However, when the zombies come a callin', I just don't expect things to be so pretty.

Yep, Still Kind of Want the Zombies to Eat My Brains

So, this funk of dissatisfaction continues for me. I think perhaps it might be good to take more of a break from teaching than I anticipated and return to daydreaming about zombies. Perhaps, I could even make the time to paint a few pictures of the blood-encrusted creepers. Would make great Christmas presents for Grandma.... if they were zombie parrots.

It is interesting though to live in a community which celebrates the zombie so highly. I see them everywhere. MFA live reading titles, classes offered at the university, student t-shirts, etc.

I keep wondering when the populace will turn their gaze away again from the stark gore of the undead. I almost want to stab this bubble of zombie bliss with a machete; it feels like exploitation. Maybe I should just celebrate this celebration and get over myself. Or open up my cranium to the hoards when they do arrive. It's been that kind of month.

Okay, zombies. I (temporarily) surrender.

I returned to my (real) job today and couldn't help but hope that the masses of undead would come crawling across campus and relieve me from my instructional duties. In the very least, the hoard would provide fodder for conversation and make syllabus discussion a little less devastating.

Very simply, I had one of those moments where any break in real world monotony seemed quite welcome. Perhaps it was more that the barrage of emails began with the beating winds of Irene and I wasn't quite ready to return to my position of authority.

This was a day when I found myself thinking about zombies for reasons I usually don't or perhaps one of those little alligators of devil in me snapped it's way up to the surface of my self-conscious. If that made no sense--read more.

Regardless, I've given myself some time to recover but still feel adrift, still eeking for release. On the other hand, the harsh realities of disasters are also plaguing me. Break ins, attacks, and overall meanness. I assume the zombies would make these things much much worse.

Well, I've got 14.5 weeks left of this until I have the option to spring free. I'm not sure if this will just be one of those semesters of zombie day dreaming. I sincerely hope not or at least if I am losing myself in visages of flesh-eating infected soul(less)s that I do so because I am writing or planning my fortifications.

What horrors of your day have prompted your dreams of zombies, my dismaying readers? Perhaps someday you will share, as well.

Surving the Storm

So, I evacuated from the storm though I probably did not need to. Things were not entirely smooth and I probably went farther than necessary.

Was I safe? Absolutely.

Was my home safe? Mostly.

I wonder then when is the appropriate time to act? How does one know when to skip town and when to board up the windows and wait out the storm?

I feel like I would have that instinct or I would probably be eaten by a hoard of undead. Is it more of a skill you cultivate? Perhaps. I suppose I could ask real survivalists. If anything, I learned is it is more important to make decisions. It is amazing the amount of stress that compiles from indecision--I found myself at times so uncertain as to which path to take.

I am learning my own metal. I can make choices and I can stick with them. However, unless a group has a designated leader, chaos will reign and one is more likely to get lost in the tide rather than safely make it to shelter.

At least I can make a decision. Now to learn how to make the best one.

What about you, fearless storm/zombie survivalists? How would you weather the coming surges?

Hurricane Irene and Zombies

I live on the east coast and south enough that I chose to flee home and Irene. The good thing about the storm is that I finally put together a decent emergency kit. I could have been better about it (get a backpack instead of a duffel bag) and it could be lighter (hard to carry that and two cats around).

What reminds me that maybe I don't want a zombie apocalypse to happen is the aftermath of these storms. When civilization ends, the power goes out, the water doesn't flow, and the roads are impassible, life becomes so much harder and I am not ready.

If anything, I need to step up my game. I wish I actually owned land and a generator rather than renting out a dinky two-bedroom apartment (granted it is on the second floor and so should not flood).

I need more skills to weather these storms, to not feel so helpless before its fury. Thanks Irene, for reminding me how pathetic I am when faced with a real emergency. At least I had fun playing with my walkie talkies. Hopefully, before the undead arrive, I will be better prepared.

Zombie Lane

Playing the new game on the Book aka Zombie Lane. Finally, something to waste my time involving zombies :). I'm a pretty hot zombie fighter!

Really Hollywood?

For those of you new to the zombie universe or those living under a rock, Hollywood has gone and butchered another great story. Rumor has it that the film adaptation of World War Z by Max Brooks will center around the initial outbreak of the virus whilst the protagonist (Mr. Pitt) runs around like a crazy trying to stop the inevitable epidemic.

Really? Um, because last time I read the book, the story takes place 12 years after the outbreak and is an oral history in the form of transcripts derived from survivor interviews. The zombie world has been lit up by this travesty... as it should.

There have been some horrible remakes of wonderful, unique tales which cannot be forgiven or ignored. Starship Troopers, anyone?

True, we all have the freedom to interpret and adapt fiction as we see fit. However, if the original is never offered or available for the wider world, then the morals and, the awesomeness of work will be corrupted for many.

Gosh, I hope there is enough rage circulating through the electronic world to warrant some last minute script rewrites. Come on, Mr. Pitt. Aren't you a champion for the underdog?

Rise up, zombie fiends. Rise up and vocalize your hunger for some good Z. Rise up and take a bite out of some tasty Hollywood flesh.

That's right, I'm packin'

So, prompted by the fact that I live in hurricane territory and a long standing desire to own something sharp and shiny, I've purchased my first Swiss Army Knife. Oh yeah, I now have in my possession something actually USEFUL especially for any end-o- the-world/apocalypses.

Now, I will be better prepared to open those stores of canned goods while I hold up in some warehouse while the zombies ravage the world outside. I will be able to unscrew some vent and sneak away from a horde through a myriad of air ducts. I can slash at some enemy in a close fight or cut myself free from a stuck seat belt after flipping another getaway vehicle. The possibilities are (well, not endless) but most staggering.

My husband just shrugs his shoulders at my latest quirk/quark. Still, should the flood waters swirl dangerous close or the grasping talons of the undead become far too commonplace, I've begun my defense.

Come on world! I will so shallowly cut you!

Salvation in a Sailboat

In J. L. Bourne's Day by Day Armageddon, the protagonist employed various boats and ships to avoid the undead. Bourne's zombie hated the water and would often maintain their distance on peers and docks. One could find solace in his novel simply by taking shelter on any sea-worthy vessel. Prior to this novel, I hadn't thought of how useful it would be to have ship handling experience.

Today, while at the VA Beach Aquarium, I was reminded as to how beneficial it would be to have access to one of those flotation devices should the zombie apocalypse decide to impress itself upon humanity. My friend and I took the creek tour around a small inlet/bay near the ocean and as we mentally shopped for one of the swank shore front homes, we also picked out the boats we would most like to "take advantage of" when the zombies arrive. I personally liked the yacht named "No Worries." Quite fortuitous.

Considering my husband works on a boat, I may be in luck regardless. Still, I couldn't help but think I should get over my vague notions of sea-sickness (I felt great on this trip) and consider donning a captain's hat. I will set for the high seas and mock those grubbing zombies at the shore--as long as no one on my vessel is already infected....

Biking Against the Undead (or from them?)

It is time to reintroduce myself in the art of exercise. Those undead won't be stopping any time soon (well, once they get started). I'll be using the powers of HIIT training to run fast from my opponent in a most dignified manner.

Be weary, Zombie!

What the heck do zombies worry about?

All this preparation, the time spent reading guides to zombie survival, the websites dedicated to defense, and really, I am starting to wonder about the rewards.

Should I survive the zombie apocalypse, I am the (un)fortunate one to inherit numerous concerns and worries while the zombie, that little booger gets to just moan and groan and scavenge for food. I mean, really?

You do all of this hard work, SURVIVING? And this creepy, crawly creature gets to feast on your hard work (i.e. civilization/people). I could see why some would just want to succumb quickly to zombiehood--the job perks are not to be scoffed at. When you get over the pride of surviving (imagines a gleeful person dancing on top of a mountain of expired zombies crying, "I'm king/queen of the zombie mountain!"), you are left with what? A few scrawny potatoes from your makeshift garden or one more can of baked beans from the storage shed?

Cripes! Zombies get to travel without paying (lest with rotting flesh), they can gorge themselves on various appetizing (for an undead) delicacies, and they are tireless. No need for red bull or downing Starbucks for them just to function.

Thinking about it, this almost makes me want to beat up the zombie more. To zombie or not to zombie? I guess it depends on the size of the 401K.

Re-animated Corpse or Corpslike?

Once I began branching out and actually reading a variety of zombie books, I found myself drawn into the debate regarding what exactly is the zombie and how the monster is generated. Some speculate (at length), that there is no way a person could die and then be reactivated. The fantastical/unscientificness of the entire scenario is so implausible to them, they cannot help but first laugh, and then weep in frustration at any who consider it a viable means of zombie generation.

I mean, it does make sense to give a little giggle at the idea. Unless the zombie were supernaturally empowered, a corpse cannot physically resume walking (let alone groaning i.e. no air moving through vocal cords) even if a virus (a particular strong nasty) infected the body. Can a virus be active with a dead host? No synapses could fire through the nervous system and thus invigorate those grimy, grasping limbs, no teeth could chomp, no hunger could drive the unholy being to such desperate and terrible acts of cannibalism. I ask unambiguously if someone were to know of any science/theory that would allow this.

Other authors like Brian Keene and David Wellington have envisioned the zombie as a supernatural being--literally they are creature reanimated by demons or other spiritual means. They are not, in essence, really inflicted by a virus even if the spirit/devil enters them through bite. It is a hypothesis or rather a fantastical idea, but I am more drawn to the third scenario stated below.

Finally, (and this seems to me a newer or newer to mainstream idea) that a virus can make one corpse-like that is a person lives while infected but becomes immune to pain and virtually immortal unless major organs are shredded (the most effective being the brain). We even have known flesh-eating diseases which make one's skin so the concept of a person walking around with skin rotting and peeling off their bodies is not an unknown occurrence. With known hallucinogenic drugs, leprecy, and all the other ugly bacteria and viruses lurking in our world, I would well imagine a catastrophic outbreak of zombie.

This is why the third zombie origin story appeals so much to me. It's plausibility. The other stories are certainly entertaining and thought-provoking. However, it is the idea of the corpse-like zombie that gives me the chills because it so the most likely to occur. The idea of zombie becomes more real, the threat turned up a notch. I remember how vulnerable we are to disease and contagion (especially as I type this with a sinus infection).

Some might argue if the people are alive, then we have a chance to save them, heal them. Salvation from the zombie is not just a bullet to the brain. Perhaps we could save them with a miracle cure. Perhaps all we need is an anti-virus. Yet, we know many viruses are immune themselves to cure. They wouldn't be viruses otherwise.

And, if we know these zombies are still human, still able to have a life if we could just find the right inoculation, would that make it harder to put them down when necessary? When time and the masses are at stake, can you take out the individual knowing mom, your neighbor, or loved one resides behind the mask of zombie infection? This adds a whole new dimension to the gruesomeness of zombie. The zombie is no longer simply a metaphor or a mindless enemy to dispense. The zombie evolves into another, deeper reflection of your own humanity. It had before, but in this new vein, it becomes increasingly important for the human to weigh the consequences of how they dispose of the walking dead.

What about you, phantom readers, what type of zombie seems most realistic or appeals most to you?

And how, if you were faced with a living undead, would you contend with the creature?

Motivation?

I want to travel to that magical land where my motivation goes to hide. Often, I find myself forgetting about my blog, about my BIG plans to produce zombie fiction, and my good intentions to paint/draw. I have a hard time getting out of bed (especially once the cats have sandwiched me in) and doing more than channel surfing.

I have a job--it is just contract in orientation. I.e. I work when needed.

For zombie training, I think this lack of movement/motivation is a dangerous malady. I mean, if I were a flesh-hungry zombie, I would consider this a perfect time to strike. Zombie Alicia would think, "My opponent has gotten slovenly and doesn't even own a machete." Human Alicia might as well just lay in bed and await the inevitable gnawing on her bones.

How do you maintain your vigilance? What keeps you pounding the pavement with those cross trainers, chucking knife after knife in target practice, and oiling your glock blind-folded while hanging upside down?

Hopefully, I will awake soon and try just a little bit harder to be the best zombie fighter/survivalist I can be.

How long would you have to run?

I've been running a lot more lately. I've even worked myself up to at least 2.5 to 2.75 miles at a decent clip. I feel like I am getting into a good shape.

But, is 2.5 miles really far enough to run from zombies?

I was reading an interesting book a few months back called "Aftertime." In the novel, the author pointed out that people were often overtaken by the undead not because the zombies run/walk fast but because humans eventually wear out and zombies, well, don't. I hadn't really thought about this before. Sure, I can put on my best kicks and dash around a park for half an hour, but there would come a time when I would just need to sit down and stretch out those aching calves. Therein lies the beauty or strength of the zombie--it doesn't need that break. While I pant and fan my sweaty head, it will just keep slogging along until it finally reaches and bites my tired butt.

Even though "Zombieland" stressed the importance of cardio, even the best of runners require time off from physical activity. The zombie, that little rotting automaton, never has an off button save for the trusty bullet in the brain. We (lover enthusiasts) read book after book denoting the wonderful strength and tenacity of survivors as they TRIUMPH over the blundering undead. Yet, I wonder now how much that would really happen. Where are the movies and novels depicting drained, flailing protagonists who almost perish because they desperately NEED a sip of Gatoraide and a nap?

I don't intend to stop running because it simply serves as a temporary reprieve from being chomped to death or undeath by a zombie; however, this new idea encourages my reassessment of the necessary zombie apocalypse skills. Perhaps, drive first, ride second, walk if you have no wheels, run only if undead eaters are snapping at your heels (literally and figuratively).

This sudden (and silly not thought of sooner) realization unnerves me more than the actual bite. I can see it all play out in my head:

Me: Oh, hey, look it's a zombie. No worries, I got my Brooks running socks (wool, not cotton), my sweet cross trainers, and a sweat band for endurance. Oh, slumbering zombie, I'm so going to out distance you. Silly undead.

Zombie: Groan

Me: Look zombie, I just ran 2 miles and you are so behind. Man, I'm beat, but gotta keep up the pace.

Zombie: Groan (but from farther away)

Me: Gosh, 4 miles, I'm beat. Just need a little breather.

Zombie: (Almost inaudible groan) Groan

Me: Oh, side stitch. Curses. Need a longer break.

Zombie: Groan (Oh, is he getting a little closer?)

Me: Run, run, run, jog, jog, jog, walk, walk, walk, stumble, pant, face plant.

Zombie: Groan (So much CLOSER).

Me: Gasp, crawl, collapse.

Zombie: Chomp, chomp, chomp (accompanied by "Groan" of satisfaction)

Hilarity aside, this is rather disquieting. It's a discourse of futility but not on the part of the zombie. It is the inevitable failing of the human body. You will be worn down. Your legs will fail you. Your lungs will gasp not always steadily in and outtake air. You will stumble and slow. You will likely be caught. I suppose it's another conversation as to what should you do when fate deals this blow. Don't let this panic you--use the information to know your enemy and yourself. Perhaps then, you'll have or know when to have that Jetta or Vespa handy for when your body betrays you.

At least my running will give me a burst when needed--that bit of kick to win the immediate battle. But, I warn you, fellow zombie preparers, to train the most important muscle, the brain, as diligently as your body. I hope I am not being pretentious in asking you remember your limitations and do not let them become your demise.

Hello, Again

Been a while. Recently, I've been quite consumed with visitations though not of the undead kind. Family in and out, travel up and down and seemingly through the mountains--my brakes can attest to the accuracy of these statements. Thank you GPS for "losing" us in somewhat steep hills of PA. I suppose I should update those maps or maybe pray for a better sense of direction. Truth be told, I knew how I could get out those windy, 9.5 % grade mountains--I just didn't listen to my gut.

Of course, you may now be asking yourself after having read several of my fragments and run-on's what does this demented and delusional blogger's discourse have to do with zombie. Well, as I'm just free-thinking, not really much at this second. But, at a deeper look, perhaps my quite fully meandering mind has more to do with creepy, crawling corpses than originally thought. I feel like the song, "Wish You Were Here." If you don't know who wrote this one, shame on you though I could have typed it way faster than the time it took to admonish you. My head feels lost, foggy as it has since my job let out about 6 weeks ago. I feel like I am flitting from one day dream to the next and wondering what will actually shake me from this malaise. I would assume the piercing, ironic shredding of my flesh by a zombie would help stir my sense of reality a bit.

Really? Did she say a zombie biting her would make her feel more real? Perhaps, perhaps it would at least make me feel more physical. I've been swimming in Gaskell and B-rated Romantic comedies for days and need to wake the flip up. Still, have you ever had that feeling--the hypnotic notion that the only way to feel normal is to get bitten on the a$% by something paranormal? Sometimes when I read those gory books of the undead, I get lost there, as well. Adrift in a sea of severed limbs, rivers of blood, and the shriveling lumps of humanity wasting away on the side of some long forgotten back road, I feel myself becoming as fictional as the characters I read about. Other times, it is the interaction between my dazed life and something not so mundane that shakes my roots and shivers my leaves (yes, I made an awkward metaphor out of a tree). I stand taller, take longer gulps of vision at the world me, and actually feel alive.

Zombies give us a moment to fight against the real disease/infection/avoidance in our lives. Their sharp claws tear not necessarily at our soft bellies but at our gauze-mar veils of existentialism--the sense that all is subjective and never REAL. Zombies are really good at dismantling our defenses and making us run screaming for our lives (yes, I'm being densely figurative--please bare with me :) ).

I like that and more importantly, I need that.

Can I get a degree in Zombies?

I tried, I really did. I applied to study Zombie literature at a University and get my PhD. I even made it to the final round but failed to secure a position perhaps due to my unconventional ideas.

But would this be beneficial/necessary for zombie preparation?

Ultimately, more time spent studying my foe would hypothetically better prepare me for battling the undead. I could turn my piercing academic eye onto the realm of the creepy, crawling corpses and use all of my critical thinking magical powers to unlock the mysteries of surviving these diligent creatures. I would be the master of the undead universe as I gain, you know, masterful skills of machete chopping rotting heads and blasting away deranged, infected brains with my Winchester.

It's also flippin' cool to read zombie books and watch zombie movies.

I also need to eat in the pre-zombie world. Pay bills, make sure I cannot afford the syfy channel, take the cats to the vet, and afford those pesky student loans and car payments. I won't be a very effective zombie hunter/slayer if I cannot stock up on supplies and weapons or training prior to Z-Day. Sure, I could loot after the end of civilization. However, I'd rather be somewhat prepared before it comes to that.

Perhaps then, considering our economy and the ever-so-many-jobs available for English majors, I might need to reconsider my ambitions to be a zombie studier of awesomeness. I should consider going back to school and getting one of those hard science degrees (Despite my sarcasm here, there is a benefit to understanding chemistry or biology when grappling with those grimy ghouls). Then, I could take on this brackish economy/job market and fully finance my ambitions of zombie training and education. My cats would never miss a vaccine!

Then again, what's the fun in easy or appropriate? Eh, well, at least there is ramon and vet payment plans.

Some Days I almost want to be a zombie snack...

I would be a wreck if they shambled into my life today....

The Zombie Hide Out

If (perhaps I should say when) the zombie march begins, one would require a most decent and hospitable home front to put down solid roots lest they suffer pushing daisies instead. I wonder where I would go should a great disaster befall civilization. I mean, I have a vague idea of how I would evacuate from my coastalish home--certainly not by the state-appointed routes. Most likely, I would venture out only on back and side roads to avoid the inevitable death traps highways always seem to become whenever a fly lands on the road sideways let alone being held up by a real emergency/accident.

But, where would I go? Where would you go? Like the 85% of college graduates this year, I could certainly take shelter at my rents rather than wander the dangerous and unknown trenches of the "outside" world. I cannot say where my husband would be--whether he'd be with me or off with Uncle Sam. Unfortunately, I may left in a situation where the cats and I will have to see to ourselves.

Mom would love to have me over for dinner or maybe for dinner depending upon her disposition when I finally pulled into the driveway of their duplex. Had she and my father refrained from going all undead on me, I suppose it would be logical to hold up with an ex-marine and a nurse. I mean, I have a means of defending myself and patching up the boo-boos if they didn't involve teeth or nails. Logical. Sure.

Yet, their home is hardly defensible against a horde of the undead for the simple fact that there are a lack of natural borders in the entire area. A wall, some sort of fortification would need to be established, but I think it would be mighty difficult to do so if we were pressed for time (like in the case of an uber-emergency of the undead uprising). Maybe instead, I'll swing by and pick up the rents and head somewhere safer. Once more this leaves me with the question of the most appropriate destination. These are important questions/considerations to ask, readers. I don't want to be that crazy chicken running around because something silly/simple like my whole entire world/head has been chopped from my straining neck. I WANT TO BE PREPARED!

So, instead of a specific destination at this point, I am thinking of a list of environmental needs I would desire to best set up our new home:

1. Water source. I would greatly appreciate if by some miracle we have gas to make it to a site with its own natural water source preferably a river where I know water is going to come in and we can dam it if necessary.

2. To the mountains! Blow out the bridges or roads and you have a much more secure location if you go to the mountains. I'm pretty sure zombies lack a bit of dexterity (as long as the undead coming for dinner aren't like those in the remake of Dawn of the Dead). Higher = safer.

3. Fertile land. Let's be honest, it's going to take a while for any government to deal with a pesky zombie problem. Those suckers just hate to die! As a result, we'll likely need a few acres to plow and plant. I am a fan of eating and would like to not survive a zombie munching on my bones only to starve a few months down the road. Winter could be harsh for us all.

4. Access to smart people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know this isn't exactly something environmental but it can be tied to location. Smart people are everwhere, but if you aren't sure they are where you are going then consider traveling to a place where businesses and schools seem to congregate them. Maybe I'll find a nice university (still in session) to chillax at during the apocalypse. Engineers abound could potentially help with that annoying need to eat and our unfortunate dependence on Walmart and Wawas to feed us. They also might know how to rig some sweet defenses. At least the medievalists will have prime knowledge about structuring moats and making mead.

5. Survival weather. New home can be cold or hot but nothing in the extremes. Remember, we'll be losing electricity i.e. heating, air conditioning, etc. We'll be more depended upon the kindness of nature while living with zombies. Consider your residence carefully.

Should I think of more needs for my location, I'll update this post. Should you readers have ideas, feel free to add them. Best of luck reaching your destinations, your havens from the approaching storm.

CNN Backs Up "My" Theories

http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/10/02/zombie.love/index.html

I have been encouraged by CNN (of all news sources) and their recent coverage of the world's zombie mania. In the article above, Doug Gross (I'm sure no pun intended) notes how we can use zombies as a means of acting out our emotions of anger, aggression, and fear (to say the least) when the more abstract pressures of the economy cannot be so easily punished for their wicked, wicked crimes.

The author even points out a lot of the "first" zombie stories originated during the Great Depression (Gross). How interesting? I certainly see the parallels. Again, these monsters are our coping mechanism in a world gone pretty much suck. We can maim, shoot, explode (or implode), light fire to, and pretty much abuse the crap out of a zombie but we cannot punch the market in it's stupid face because, well, it doesn't have one.

But what about you, long time undead lover? Did you find your thirst for the crawling, rotting zombie well before the soft whispers of the housing crash or the enacting of stimulus recovery? Why do you like the zombie so much if not for the traditional/popular reasons for grappling with these monsters? Perhaps you are less concerned with APRs, Fiscal stability, or our ever changing global landscape. Do you daydream incessantly about the living dead apocalypse for another, perhaps more sinister reason--one you won't quite admit to others ("No, no, John and Jane, I am just kidding. I don't really want the world to end in a burst of shredded flesh and rivers of blood. Please pass the taco dip?")

Maybe it is just fun, a brain game, a challenge like the rubix cube or something generated by Avalon Hill.

Perhaps more interesting, a little blend of dark and light, can it not be a bit of both? Or you do not necessarily want all of humanity to be at the mercy of sharp incisors and a never ending blood lust --but maybe you do not believe preparing for this to be utterly impractical. You've got one foot in the lifeboat when the iceberg comes to dance while the rest of us are still twirling on the gilded deck.

Honestly, I am not sure where I fall into the spectrum of Zombie Love Reasoning 101. I doubt I am enthusiastically counting the days until that fateful Dawn (you know what I mean). However, I certainly don't want to feel/be helpless should any danger burst from the shadows.

What do you want, Zombie fans? But, more importantly, why do you want it?

To Donut or Not to Donut (This is metaphorical at least in regards to donuts)

Now that my semester has drawn to a close, I find myself with 4 months of "free" time. Now, of course my days will be consumed with cleaning, cooking, and general time-consuming errands. But really, I will lay claim to hours every day to conduct my various experiments of physical exercise, diet, and sophomoric attempts at writing.

Most recently, I've returned to (un)avoiding soda, running, yoga, and buying (though not necessarily eating) various vegetables and fruits. I want to return to the fitness of my (younger) youth though I never really did the whole eating healthy thing. Chances are if zombies decide to start selling Avon, I'll need all my physical capabilities to actually outrun let alone out-think the shambling yet ever diligent (un)dead. I find though, imagining the creepy, malodorous corpses chasing me (which I've done), to be not enough encouragement to put down that crumb coffee cake or let someone else grab that mini bottle of coke in the fridge.

Perhaps that is what makes these more recent zombie runs/walks so interesting and vital. We need motivation to get our run on, to quote, work on our fitness. If we congregate in corporeal exertion, we can both get those legs into shape and enjoy/celebrate/furtively-glance-around for real zombies together.

Really, the whole zombie survival is a chance to prepare myself to handle any paranormal (I use this in the literal sense) adventure which may decide to ring that doorbell and try to convince me to buy the newest bubble bath or tennis bracelet (bad pun/reference to Avon joke above--I thought you might want reminding as it is such a weak joke).

Yet.... yet....

That cake tasted so good! Those of you without this dilemma probably even spend more time in the Physical World rather than glaring apprehensively into the enthralling glow of a computer monitor. Will my preparation then always be hypothetical? theoretical? Perhaps if you don't hear from me for a while readers, I have either A. Bought the purse/snuggie/blusher/figurine from that creeper at the door or B. Actually managed to put on my over-pronating sneakers and take a turn around the lake.

For me, maybe for us all, let's hope it was the latter.

Travel Training

I (we) drive a lot.

We've put over a 100,000 miles on our car (which was new) in four years.

I've been from the edge of the Pacific to the borders of Massechusetts (Oh spell check help with me that one) and a significant amount of backtracking in between. Those who travel with me vary greatly and are often only the other motorists puttering away down this highway or that.

Travel offers a fascinating glimpse into the culture of a city, town, or even state especially if one takes the highway, freeways, and numerous other car-beaten roads towards their destinations. I really prefer driving to any other form of travel. It gives me time to think, reflect, and plan. It teaches me which cities are most dangerous to be trapped in during a natural disaster (Norfolk/Hampton Roads because bridges reflect the only way out; Jersey, again with the bridges; Phoenix--there are only a few ways out lest you own a vehicle with off-roading capabilities). Perhaps it is that every location has its own challenges. By driving them, I can really gage my chances for surival should I find myself within the parameters of any given hamlet. Weary but educated drivers will best know the layouts/grids of the lanes they zip down and the backroads offering desperate salvation in the looming visage of a gridlocked city.

But really, driving calms me. Zen-ifies my worries. I don't know how I would really (really) react to zombies or some other super-life-alterating-there-was-no-way-I-could-really-prepare-moment. If I have the opportunity to escape in that initial wavs (and yes, it will likely be a matter of resonance), a long, hard drive into "safety" will provide me with the much needed time to reconstruct my most likely damaged/shredded pysche.

How will you cope my hopeful readers?

tbc....

Can I Make the Zombies Eat the Buffalo Sabres?

Well?

Check that....Bruins.. arrggghhhh

Nevermind.... zombies apparently ate the brains of the Flyers. Bah. End of this post. FOREVER.

How Would You Be Tracked by a Zombie?

Is it sense of smell or something more supernatural that would guide a zombie to your super secret hidey place?

If these creatures are truly dead (of course but walking), would their physical senses be operational? Would the crunch of your fateful misstep on that shard of glass or twig be the clue igniting the chase?

Having read several zombie books (I admit not more than a dozen or so), authors seem to gravitate most towards the sense of smell or sound when describing the human honing techniques of the undead. Perhaps them, as I train, I should work on my swift and silent ninja maneuverability skills or find a means of masking whatever awesome-come-hither-living-scents I might be generating.

Yet, if these creatures are dead, this seems somewhat illogical? Then again, should I worry about logic?

Other writers/theorists postulate these creatures do not actually die by after being infected by a virus rendering them impervious to pain or reason, may actually rely on their base senses to navigate the difference between tasty people treats and the rather useless (everything else in the universe).

Lastly, I've read a few novels exploring the zombie as a truly supernatural creature--a demon possessing a dead body. In regards to these creatures, senses other than esp are generally useless and therefore the writer often fails to explore them. In these cases, no matter how sound proof or air tight your fortress, that talented undead can detect your presence.

If zombies were to invade, I think it would be likely they would be "living" walking dead or the second theory put forth in this blog. I can imagine a neurological virus diluting their concepts of pain and encouraging a driving need to consume. Are there not such viruses/illnesses now which command the helm of human brains? (Dementia, etc.). True, they don't necessarily produce flesh-eating monsters, but the brain is a weird little opponent which can be manipulated to do rather creepy and heinous things.

I suppose we can only really know how we are hunted if and when it truly happens. Perhaps it is best to plan for all contingencies. Get a rosary, very quiet sneakers, and some deodorant. Do not trample blindly into the night, even when scrambling from those attempting to use your femur as chew toy. We will need all of the help/luck/grace we can get.

Review: Zombie Apocalypse!

I've recently been reading the innovative Zombie Apocalypse!, a work of fiction deriving from multiple authors in a variety of medias such as texts, tweets, emails, letters, journals, etc. The "book" offers a fantastic form of narrative generated from such technological marvels often associated with zombie fiction though not as much with mainstream literature. It chillingly takes the reader from the beginnings of the parasite induced virus to the "Death" of the world itself.

The book encapsulates what I love about the living dead: their mutations, adaptability and the deeply personal stories associated with them. Because Stephen Jones, the creator (as so noted on the cover), drew upon the writing talents of a plethora of authors, the book has an even more genuine feel. When characters are created, their voices are stronger than one might expect or rather, we don't have an author employing a persona simply to vent his or her frustrations. The word choices, hand-writing, errors, and other personal touches, not just the media, change with every new person introduced. A thirteen year-old girl gushes over a crush while attempting to cope with the loss and terror around her. A doctor, after having been infected, locks himself up for study the affects on his body and emotional state. The two could not be more dissimilar yet the editor/creator did weave the narratives together rather fluidly through plot and scene (so far, most of the book occurs in London and centers around the site of viral origination).

For most fiction, it is in the details. This work watermarks, "staples," and bends pages when appropriate. I think because it felt so real, I experienced the need to watch something funny on TV before going to bed. I couldn't quite finish this one story because before slumber, I didn't want the end I knew was coming to arrive. Yet, I will return to the book, complete this journey of gruesome horrors and the indomitable will of humanity to survive.

Similar to one character in the book, I suppose I too turn to novels such as Zombie Apocalypse! in an attempt to study or hone my skills as I prepare for the big Z-Day. But I wonder, if I, like him, will find my meager skill set seriously lacking when I face those great demons? Are these "preparations" really going to offer guidance for us? Perhaps Max Brook's Zombie Survival Guide as it does provide practical knowledge. I think maybe for works by such as Jones, the offer a different kind of survival skill: hope. All the machetes and crossbows in the world cannot defend against despair.

So, read on zombie fiends/friends. Read on and keep your eye on that glint of sunlight shining through your bordered up windows.

The Tally

Alicia : 10
Zombie: 100

*************************************************************************************
As suggested by a friend, I will keep a tally of my "wins" versus the accolades of the undead.

How, do you ask, is this possible when zombies do not actually roam the earth? (As far as you know...)

Well, whenever I experience an iota of hope or moment of accomplishment (which will invariably able me to survive the zombie takeover), I get a point. When I fail (crushingly), my mind seems to melt into zombie soup, and my actions unfailingly lead to certain lack of undead survival, well, you get the picture.

With every update, I'll put forth a biting explanation.

**********************************************************************************
Zombie point 1: rejected from graduate school on my BIRTHDAY! This will surely lead to an overindulgence in everything sweet and therefore will undo my vague attempts at physical training. Boo to you academia....

Me point 1: Got netflix for birthday. I can now study the zombie via numerous documentaries errr movies and thus learn their sneaky, lumbering ways...

Me point 2: Great support from friends and like 100 new "views" on blog since yesterday. I think at least 25 aren't from me ;)

Zombie point 2-4: Don't ask.

Zombie point 5: Frustration. I will prevail and once I do, I will afford myself a point.

Me point 3-4: Visiting wonderful family and friends and planning on adventurer training with my sister-in-law. This will assuredly translate into successful zombie survival skills. Sadly, I must return home soon--at least I'll be happy to see someone special!

Zombie point 6: Grading composition papers.....takes all of my brainpower leaving nothing but mushy brain goo behind. On second thought...

Me point 5: Mushy brain goo due to grading = zombies uninterested in using me as a lunchable!

Zombie point 7: painful week where the pain meant nothing. I super dislike this and it makes me want to swim in a sea of zombies (sorta).

Me: I've managed to lose 14 pounds since May and my jeans are falling off my .....

Zombies: Semester has restarted. I gave the little undead creepies as many points as papers I've already had to comment on. It's only been four weeks.

Back to the Preparation... Did I forget my desire to train?

Sooooo, I have been given Zombie Survival Guide for Christmas and am very intrigued by crossbows.

The Zombie Craze(y)

I am sure, fellow long time zombie enthusiasts, that you too are both amused and grateful? for the recent surge in undead cult-dom. It is odd how in the last few years the populace has latched on with its dirty talons in fascination with zombies. Why, after decades of neglect, does little Jane and John Doe cradle a microscopic concern for this often overlooked genre of fiction?

Perhaps after dappling with vampires for so long and very depressing economics, the masses are looking to the "masses" for some form of escapism. Sure, the annihilation of your credit-ridden, inflation soul eating society would put a most final stop payment on your already bouncing checkbooks. This imaginary land is quite freeing, quite peaceful in comparison to our real world pressure of daily survival. In the same vein, I suppose worrying how to loot rather than how to scrounge up change is much more desirable to average struggling person. But is this the most likely reason for the zombie craze? Sadly, I hesitate but feel to the need to nod my head in acquiescence.

It is silly and obvious but necessary to say we are desperate. In dire need of release, in need of repose, we bang on the doors of imagination to offer a glimpse of freedom. Liberty via the cerebellum lays claim to a long history of success--true. However, are we actually using this wonderful gift of imagination--gaining avenues of self-discovery and growth to combat at times "oppressive" reality? Here's the thing. I watch myself and others (I'll specify in American culture) fall into the trap of avoidance. We'll dream of this supernatural or that supernatural creature and imagine themselves to be this DIFFERENT, attractive, powerful creature and ask no more of them and these day dreams become the focal point of our lives. I've even succumb to this false and stunted world. This is dangerous. Useful at times, but if neverendingly (spellcheck tells me I have created this word) exchanged for reality then dangerous.

Yet, a great book and great reader can employ these imaginations to their worlds and gain! This is what I propose to be a true test of imagination--a manifestation which really brings us peace/happiness/joy/renewal/something-super-awesome/something-tangible.

But back to zombies. Zombies are one way in which we can forget, ignore, avoid all the yucky gunk of the real world. They tear the duty-bound boulders of our daily lives swiftly and victoriously from our aching, knotted shoulders. Fans of zombies who are in it for the zombies know it is much more complicated than that. Apocalypse in no way means peace--names change, jobs alter, the weight is still born.

People, I am glad your interest gives the opportunity for more authors, more presses, and more publications of zombie literature; however, do not panic when you realize your pain has not been alleviated. Turn back and turn inward in a way that best satisfies those demons. It is just a thought or more of a concern for my dazed and enchanted friends (and self). When satisfied, pick up another undead narrative and enjoy the ride.

Perhaps this rant is silly or annoying--but then after a millisecond or two of posting, it too will be just as ephemeral as your passing fancies.