Grading as a Zombie

*Image entitled "Undead Teacher" by Randi @ epitome.wikidot.com

Would it help, I wonder, to respond to student papers like a zombie? It might save time, leaving just a bloody hand print in response to their "meticulous" crafting of a 4 page analysis of public smoking bans. I mean, I find myself often asking for more "Brains" anyway. Why not get to the point more pointedly?

Perhaps the best training for zombie survival would be providing positive criticism on annotated bibliographies and causal analyses (or casual analyses students call them). If I attempted such training, I might be preparing for undead triumph but also inevitably unemployment. Regardless, below are a list of comments a zombie instructor may impose upon your essays.

1. Blood splatter which interesting enough blots out the more convoluted parts of student's prose.

2. "Give more BRAAAIINNNSS" which is readily understood by most students.

3. Chunks are torn from the essay, but most curious is that they resemble bite marks.

4. Paper is returned with a severed finger (which the zombie instructor promptly asks to be returned since he or she has forgotten to pack lunch).

5. Instructions scrawled on the essay requesting student attend a conference with teacher alone, late at night, in a dark alley, not telling anyone where he or she is going, and unarmed.

6. Paper is given back to student via carrier (shell-shocked, bitten, torn clothes, and can only respond with soft mews of terror) which the teacher promptly asks to be returned since he or she has forgotten to make dinner plans. In fact, the teacher asks student to return the carrier... um, paper, during a student conference, alone, at night....

7. Comments on page request student to identify blood type as she tends towards favoritism (of those who are O positive).

8. Teacher praises student in front of class by gnawing on his or her now bloody stump of arm, and oh, yeah, gives him or her a bloodily scratched A on the student's wonderful review of "The Family Guy."

Hope these help all of those grading until the zombies come home! If you have more ideas, please comment!

Ego or Bust

In order to more accurately rate the relevancy of this blog, I discovered and put into action the "Don't track your own views" option. It is now up to you, phantom readers, to peruse my humble blog and grant me the satisfaction of increased views.

Perhaps this will be a true test of my strength, my ability to remain confident in the face of the gnawing jaws of low self-esteem. Brave face, Alicia. Don't let the flesh-rotting undead see you squirm.

Neutrinos and Zombies

So, my inner geekness exploded last night and continued to infect my Friday. CERN scientists may have discovered that neutrinos can travel faster than light. I mean, this needs to be investigated further and is by no means the suddenly, totally accepted way of "How we do things." Still. Holy physics, Batman!

If the foundation of the physical world is in question, why not the plausibility of zombi-ness? If Einstein could be wrong about the universe, perhaps those undead nay-sayers need to recant their absolute denial of zombies ever out-breaking.

Neutrinos, you ghosty, subatomic particles, you have found a friend.

Contagion: A Review

Ordering a glass of water from your favorite restaurant, pulling the handle to stop the bus at your stop, hugging a friend at the airport. Who knew such mundane acts could lead to widespread suffering and death? Um, zombie enthusiasts for one.

Tonight, my husband and I went to see Contagion. It was a lovely attempt to make me feel better (and it did for the hour and forty-five minutes of playing time) and in general, a decent film. The casting had more A-listers than Sunday night's Emmys and the plot, which required the unraveling of a lengthy amount of time, moved quite smoothly and terrifyingly as the world swiftly found itself infected by one of the most serious epidemics in the last 100 years. The film explored not only the physical illness but the internal one stemming from desperation, greed, and selfishness. Matt Damon was the most obvious commenter (is anyone surprised) on the lack of humanity present when real travesty stabs at the heart of civilization as he attempts to protect his daughter from disease and dates. Laurence Fishburne must make those difficult decisions only an individual in power and in the know how find themselves in-- save a loved one or save the populace--as he gracefully heads the hunt against this terrible virus and finds himself in opposition to a most annoying Jude Law (really, it was the tooth that did me in).

But, what does this have to do with zombies?

Well, everything! No, in reality, one could probably exchange the mysterious flu-ish illness of Contagion with a zombie outbreak and expect very similar results: the swift spread of the disease, humanity at its best and worst, and the quite overwhelming sense that we may just be in trouble should something like this really get out in the big, breathing world.

There was violence in the film (as I expected) from looters and scared, dying citizens; however, there was much less than I would have anticipated. I wonder if the director (and perhaps Matt Damon) believed people would act more humane than I suppose a zombie fan might. They could be right. I mean, most viruses tend to leave some alive unlike a majority of our fictional zombie "flus." I might be willing to help a neighbor out a little more if I knew the potential for a cure or survival even existed. This is not a plot spoiler--I just mean that any virus other than a zombie one seems likely to me to be curable/survivable. Perhaps, I'm a cynic or maybe I'll be restarting civilization after the walkers are all laid down to rest. You know, permanently.

Regardless, the film was smartly written and edited and was a joy to experience. The acting engaged me and the film refused to hold back any of its social criticism.

As a zombite (try to figure that one out in your head), I most certainly wriggled in anticipation to see this film and was not disappointed. However, when the zombies come a callin', I just don't expect things to be so pretty.

Yep, Still Kind of Want the Zombies to Eat My Brains

So, this funk of dissatisfaction continues for me. I think perhaps it might be good to take more of a break from teaching than I anticipated and return to daydreaming about zombies. Perhaps, I could even make the time to paint a few pictures of the blood-encrusted creepers. Would make great Christmas presents for Grandma.... if they were zombie parrots.

It is interesting though to live in a community which celebrates the zombie so highly. I see them everywhere. MFA live reading titles, classes offered at the university, student t-shirts, etc.

I keep wondering when the populace will turn their gaze away again from the stark gore of the undead. I almost want to stab this bubble of zombie bliss with a machete; it feels like exploitation. Maybe I should just celebrate this celebration and get over myself. Or open up my cranium to the hoards when they do arrive. It's been that kind of month.