Grading as a Zombie

*Image entitled "Undead Teacher" by Randi @ epitome.wikidot.com

Would it help, I wonder, to respond to student papers like a zombie? It might save time, leaving just a bloody hand print in response to their "meticulous" crafting of a 4 page analysis of public smoking bans. I mean, I find myself often asking for more "Brains" anyway. Why not get to the point more pointedly?

Perhaps the best training for zombie survival would be providing positive criticism on annotated bibliographies and causal analyses (or casual analyses students call them). If I attempted such training, I might be preparing for undead triumph but also inevitably unemployment. Regardless, below are a list of comments a zombie instructor may impose upon your essays.

1. Blood splatter which interesting enough blots out the more convoluted parts of student's prose.

2. "Give more BRAAAIINNNSS" which is readily understood by most students.

3. Chunks are torn from the essay, but most curious is that they resemble bite marks.

4. Paper is returned with a severed finger (which the zombie instructor promptly asks to be returned since he or she has forgotten to pack lunch).

5. Instructions scrawled on the essay requesting student attend a conference with teacher alone, late at night, in a dark alley, not telling anyone where he or she is going, and unarmed.

6. Paper is given back to student via carrier (shell-shocked, bitten, torn clothes, and can only respond with soft mews of terror) which the teacher promptly asks to be returned since he or she has forgotten to make dinner plans. In fact, the teacher asks student to return the carrier... um, paper, during a student conference, alone, at night....

7. Comments on page request student to identify blood type as she tends towards favoritism (of those who are O positive).

8. Teacher praises student in front of class by gnawing on his or her now bloody stump of arm, and oh, yeah, gives him or her a bloodily scratched A on the student's wonderful review of "The Family Guy."

Hope these help all of those grading until the zombies come home! If you have more ideas, please comment!